Research-Backed Ways to Save Your Marriage and Avoid Divorce
In their newest book, three DU psychology professors break down how to avoid divorce using the basics of happy, communicative relationships.
Need a wedding gift for a happy couple in your life?Ìę
Well, look no furtherâpsychology professor Galena Rhoades has the perfect idea: her latest book, âFighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Building a Lasting Love.â
The idea of âpreventing divorceâ and âfighting for your marriageâ before it has even begun may seem like putting the cart before the horse, but Rhoades likens the book to a âhow-toâ handbook for relationships.
âWe use manuals for just about everything we do, right?â she says. âWe start doing a job, we get an employee handbook. We get pregnant, we read some books about what it means to be pregnant and what delivery is going to be like and what having a newborn is going to be like. We have kids, we read books on parenting, right? This is another manual that people can use.â
Co-written with fellow DU psychology faculty Howard Markman and Scott Stanley, the fourth edition of âFighting for Your Marriageâ is geared toward couples at any stage of a relationship, Rhoades says.Ìę
âWhether they've just started a committed relationship; they're about to get married; they've been married for some time; they have young kids, they have older kids; they're empty nestersâthese are skills and tools that people can use, regardless,â she says.
The book covers topics ranging from âtalking without fightingâ and âstaying friends and having funâ to âthe magical art of touchâ and âcommitment in an ever-changing world.âÌę
âAll of us are couples therapists, and we have seen so many couples who feel like they're at the end, that they don't have any hope left,â Rhoades says. âAnd these are exactly the kind of skills that can really turn things around for a couple if they are really struggling.â
One of the chapters, âGround Rules for a Great Relationship,â contains advice about making decisions on how to operate together, as a couple.
âThose ground rules would be things like using good communication skillsâdeciding to take a timeout when things get kind of heated and come back to that discussion,â Rhoades says. âSome couples might decide on some positive ground rules too, like, âWe will devote time to being friends and going on dates together.ââ
In part, the advice in the book is based on the PREPââapproach, developed by Markman and Stanley and maintained by Rhoades over the last several decades. PREP is an evidence-backed collection of resources for educators, programs and therapists to help people have happy and healthy relationships.
The âPâ in PREPââpreventionââis a key aspect of the program, Rhoades says, and something that the book touches on as well.
âWe come from a prevention perspective; these kinds of skills are really helpful when you're doing well, because they then give you the foundation for times that you disagree, when you go through rough periods,â she says. âWith these tools, people are able to fall back on a foundation of really strong relationship skills, to be able to navigate those kinds of difficult periods and really weather the storms that come in any marriage.â
Rhoades says itâs never too late to learn the skills that help prevent conflict in relationships.
âThese are things that we would like everybody to know as they're starting a relationship, starting a marriage,â she says. âThey are also things that people can learn later on when they're in a marriage that's going well or when they're in a marriage where they're feeling kind of disconnected. Maybe you've been married 10 years. Maybe you've been married 40 years. These are still skills that are applicable to any stage.â
The most important tool in maintaining a healthy coupling, Rhoades says, is being intentional with the decisions you make togetherâand separatelyâabout your relationship.
âThis [book] is the best wedding present,â she says. âBecause everybody should learn these skills and develop those ground rules for how they want things to go in their marriage, and it will, as we know from research, lead to better experiences together.â